Personal Reading Connections: Insecurities

What kind of books do you read? Is it fantasy, something far off from reality…or is it something that is so much like real life you feel like you could be living it if you tried? Is it a tear jerker? Is it a book that upset you so much you threw it across the room?

I have found myself pondering these things, and why I read what I read. In case you needed a quick little idea of what I tend to read…

  • I am very into fantasy. I love when the world resembles a medival time, but mostly I tend to love when it really has little basis with reality (BUT HOGWARTS IS REAL PEOPLE!)
  • I love historical fiction. I really like getting different “accounts” of the past and seeing it from different view points that I never would have thought of.
  • I love books that pull at my heart strings. Not so much in the “awww that’s cute” sort of way, but more in the gut wrenching sort of way. I like to read about grief and people dealing with grief.

I think it’s honestly fascinating to think about the things we read, because we all come at these genres from different places in our lives. As I look at the genres that I read I kind of shake my head, because I know exactly why I love them. I love fantasy because sometimes I just need to escape the real world and the issues that I am facing. I love historical fiction because I like to get different viewpoints on past situations. I love books deal with grief because I feel like I am less alone in still dealing with that emotion each and every day. Honestly, I could go on and on about this a lot. But I have one main idea from this line of thought…

What kind of people do I read about?

Well…I read about badass women who are not afraid to take chances, take risks, and try to put themselves out there. Why do I find this interesting? Because I honestly don’t think I am that person.

The main characters in a lot of the books that I read are strong individuals. They may not always start off as brave and strong, but you see them grow into their own and become so much more than they can be. I have lately been feeling like the exact opposite.

I’m not saying that I’m not strong. I think I have a good head on my shoulders and that I can probably handle more than I think. I have made my way through some not so fabulous situations in my life in one piece. I guess that counts as strength. The characters that I read about are strong, but they also face their insecurities head on…this is where my one fault is.

I have really been paying attention to my insecurities lately. Because I know I can be bigger than them and better than them, but I have found myself shrinking instead. It is for the dumbest reasons, but here I am. I sit here second guessing myself all the time about my choices. For example, I have made some really awesome friends here which has made living away from home a lot easier. However, I am constantly dealing with the fear that they are friends with me because of my husband and not because of me. This seems INCREDIBLY ridiculous this month when I really think about it, because he is off at training and they are still talking to me and inviting me to do things and I don’t think it’s for his benefit. But yet here I sit every Friday after work…should I, shouldn’t I? The back and forth is absolutely ridiculous, especially when these people are always kind and welcoming and I always have a great time. Not once, NOT ONCE, have they made me feel like I shouldn’t be there. It’s so stupid that my brain works this way. And I know my behavior is stupid, but WHY can’t I stop it? I am just always in over my head in my own thoughts and my own rejections that I make up and I can’t stop. I am that person that even when you invite me to something, you should probably make me do it. Once I go and continue to go all will be well, but that first time…I need a shove. It’s like when I was a kid and terrified to go off the diving board. And then my swimming instructor shoved me off and I realized it was fun. I need that shove.

The leading ladies in the books that I adore don’t need that shove.

I guess today I was really making connections about what I read and why I am drawn to it. And as I was battling my ridiculous insecurities it came to me. I am most own worst enemy.

So what’s the point of this post?

Well…I thought it was interesting. My own personal connections to what I read never really clicked with me until now, and I thought it was worth sharing. I also think I needed that safe space to really let it out, and I do feel like this is that safe space. I also want to let others know that they are not alone. I know for a fact that I am not the only one battling these kinds of things. And I know that we are all capable of overcoming it.

So I am going to set my goal…I am going to put myself out there. I mean that. I am not going to 2nd guess (ok, I won’t 4th guess…I think making myself stop 2nd guessing right off the bat could be crazy) my choices and I will do it. It’s literally all in my head. It’s high time to get over it.

I hope that no one takes offense to this post or thinks that they have done anything to hurt me or something like that. I really struggle with some things that I am working on, and one is my massive fear of rejection and being a burden. You guys keep doing you. Because you’re awesome and more helpful than you know.

So, what kind of personal connections have you made with what you read that you are willing to share? Anyone feel the same way I do? Because accountability partners are awesome.

Feel free to share whatever. We’re all flawed and we’re all human, and sometimes letting it out helps so much.

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2 thoughts on “Personal Reading Connections: Insecurities

  1. What a lovely revelation & goal. Isn’t it wondrous when the books we adore lead us to such startling thoughts about ourselves?

    I myself find that I am drawn to books with characters on the LGBT+ spectrum, and those who suffer from mental illnesses – likely because they are so very similar to myself. But at the same time, it is also good to explore & inhabit those minds that are incredibly unlike me, those minds that I will never truly understand. It is the only way to venture out of my bubble, do you know what I mean? I need that shove, as you put it. Sometimes books are the best way to find it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. And yes, I think I know what you mean. I personally am a chicken. Not a risk taker in the slightest and always a bit nervous about how I will add up to others around me in a sense. I tend to love reading characters who just let those fears and insecurities go. It’s the only way I experience sometimes. I think that’s kind of what you mean? Ha let me know if I am way off.

      Thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot!

      Like

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